He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
