The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
