paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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