I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
