My sheets look like a crime scene.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
