Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
