Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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