I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
