i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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