One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
