chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
