Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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