dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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