Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
