That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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