I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We need to rekindle our bromance
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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