so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
