...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
