Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
