Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize