take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
