just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
