Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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