And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
