I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
