i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
