He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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