i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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