I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
