Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
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Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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