So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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