proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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