God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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