There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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