are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What a dumb baby whore.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
