11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
