I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
