the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
