You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
