did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
