I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
