If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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