I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
