just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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