Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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