masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I need moral support for this bender
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
