i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She announced her abortion via fbk
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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