You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
