i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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