Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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