Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
