its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
