so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
