My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You work out of a Hotel?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize