i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You can't special order awesome
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
