I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
