capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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