I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
