and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
