i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
