I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
