I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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